Let me preface by saying that I am neither a Marvel hater nor a Marvel fanboy. But I am a Spider-man fan. I wasn’t a huge comic book junkie growing up, but I did read The Amazing Spider-man and The Spectacular Spider-man religiously for a good number of years. But this character is unrecognizable in the newest installment of the franchise’s critically acclaimed hit, Spider-man Homecoming.
2017 has been a topsy-turvy year to say the least, but this summer’s movies and their response have been baffling. After the DC universe ruined Batman and Superman, their entry of Wonder Woman as a decent follow up was an unexpected surprise. But the foot-shooting of Spider-man Homecoming and the fanfare that it has received is enough to send me into a straight jacket. I hate to burst everyone’s bubble, but this movie is almost as pointless as Spider-man 3.
Let’s start with Mini-Iron-Man…
The first two Spider-man movies (Spider-man 2002 and Spider-man 2) still remain the closest and accurate big screen portrayal to the famous web-slinger. Few people would argue that. But after the disastrous third installment and the clunky re-boots, Marvel had a definite challenge in bringing the character into it’s busy new flashy cinematic universe. But somehow, in Captain America: Civil War they found a way to insert him brilliantly! Spider-man steals the show in his incredible cameo, and making him a Tony Stark discovery was a great idea. Stark gave him a sweet costume and gave him the confidence to become a potential Avenger.
How badly this follow up ruined all of that is a total tragedy. It’s not just a new cool Spider-man suit. It’s an Iron Man suit in Spidey fashion. Unlike Tony Stark, Spider-man has SUPER POWERS. He doesn’t need an augmented reality super impenetrable suit with web-guns and accessories. He has super strength, wall climbing abilities, and an acute spider sense to danger. DOESN’T ANYONE REMEMBER THIS?!
This kid has no Spidey sense. He just bumbles around looking for crime. His web-slingers (which Stark commented on in Captain America: Civil War were Parker's own invention) are now a weaponized military arsonry as if it’s the video game Contra. He has parachutes, wings, Batman-style X-ray sensors, and apparently a cell phone holder that are completely invisible until it’s convenient to the plot. Worst of all, he has a obnoxious artificial intelligent robot voice in his head who he names Karen that gives him dating advice?!?!?!
Why? Why is ANY of this necessary?!
Not to mention the other questions all this raises. Like:
- If this technology exists, why doesn’t Stark make himself a magic skin tight suit? Why does he have to wear a tank?
- Why doesn’t he make EVERYONE an Iron Man suit? Why does Black Widow get nothing?
- Why even recruit Spider-man? Why not just send out the costume and that bullshit drone?!
Ok ok, so Spider-man is nothing more than a brat with an expensive toy in this film, but what about Peter Parker?
Unfortunately it only gets worse from here…
The filmmakers bragged about Uncle Ben’s absence from this film. Stating that people are sick of seeing him get killed over and over, and I agree. But not mentioning him AT ALL takes away all of Peter Parker’s heart, conflict and humanity! This kid has no reason to be out there other than to try to be cool. Formally Peter Parker is a character who is troubled by the responsibility of doing what is right, despite that it may harm the people that he loves.
Besides the death of his Uncle, what also traditionally motivates Parker are his friends and family. Parker’s love for Mary Jane in the original movie is so real, so romantic, and so iconic. Doesn’t anyone remember how you felt when he kissed her upside down? Doesn't anyone remember how much it crushed him at the end of the film to let her go for worry of her safety? This love interest in the new film is so uninteresting and one dimensional that when the “twist” is reveled that she is the villain's daughter, it doesn't even seem to upset Parker (let alone the audience).
The motivation of Parker in this film is only to become and Avenger. (Why he turns down the opportunity at the end is even more confusing). This isn’t a real character, and it’s hardly Peter Parker. This is truly Penis Parker.
Speaking of his new nickname, theres the obnoxious side characters. It’s clear that they wanted to make this movie have a John Hughes feel to it by paralleling Spider-man’s chase scene with Ferris Bueller, and establishing Breakfast Club-esque high school friends. But it even fails at doing that. Hughes was a master of giving real conflict, real romance, and real emotion to high school comedies. These kids were nothing but a hodge-podge of interracial cliches.
From the fat idiot nerd friend who is a total dumbass until he needs to be a computer genius hacker when it’s convenient to the plot (he felt like Marvel's Jar-Jar). To the brooding Ally Sheedy type of mysterious loner chick who doesn't comb her hair (was she supposed to be a future love interest at the end? Was she supposed to be the new M.J? What the hell is going on?). To the jock bully (even though he’s a dorky unpopular DJ twerp).
None of these characters talked like real people, or gave you any reason to like them. In fact I hated them all. So so much. It’s like a John Hughes movie if every character was Ducky.
Finally I'll mention Michael Keaton’s Vulture. The Vulture in the comics that I remember was an elderly man who discovers technology that keeps him young and drives him crazy. This guy was a successful family man who loses out on a contracting bid. So he takes revenge by building an airplane jet costume and stealing alien weapons so he can sell them on the streets to petty criminals. It was like he hijacked the weapons from the new Ghostbusters movie and forced them into the Marvel Universe.
He was not funny, not scary, not motivated and not even the slightest bit cool. Doesn’t anyone remember the conflicted Willam Dafoe and his smeagol-like mental anguish? Doesn’t anyone recall the tragic Doctor Octopus and how the loss of his wife drove him to madness? Why does Vulture do any of this? Because he lost out on a business deal 8 YEARS AGO?! The end of the movie where he is hijacking an invisible plane is so confusing that I couldn’t even follow what was going on. It was like they brought in Michael Bay as the guest director.
I know a lot of people want to like this movie. I know a lot of people like to pretend that the Marvel Universe is infallible. But it’s been clearly hit or miss since day one. But this film is even more obnoxious than Avengers: Age of Ultron, more pointless then Thor: The Dark World, and more confusing than Doctor Strange. In time, if I’m lucky it will become more forgettable than The Incredible Hulk and Iron Man 2.
Reboots are bad. Reboots of reboots are worse. We did not need to see Spider-man in high school again. If the Marvel universe really wanted to please their fans they wouldn’t have started over again. They should have taken the character forward. Maybe they should have re-casted Toby Maguire... (dodges tomato).
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